PIRATE EYE 4: THE PIRATE-VIKING WAR
Chapter I
"From the Top"
A high-pitched sound assaulted my ears and I, in fury, turned to address the source of the hideous screeching.
"Dammit, Spider! Control your instrument!" I chastised the bass player.
"Sorry, Chief," replied the teenage layabout, adjusting his bass guitar accordingly.
It was just four weeks until the Ultimate Global Battle of the Bands 9000 and we were still in this sorry state. Spider had no idea how to tune, Fat Sam, on the drums, kept falling asleep, Kay the keyboardist only had an hour a day to rehearse, between university and her job as a waitress, plus Spider's dad kept threatening to throw us out his garage.
Only I -- John D. Coughlan, Pirate Investigator -- had the necessary talent as lead singer and guitarist. I'd whip these misfits into shape and claim our prize. I needed this victory. It had been too long since my last, as my enlarged beard, weary eyes, and sea-saltless nostrils indicated.
"Alright, Leatherbound Crooks," I spoke to the whole band, "let's take it from the top. A-one, A-two, A-one, two th--"
Before we could passionately ravage the air with our face-melting electro-rock extravagance, a mighty loud bang came from the main door to the garage. After a few more similar noises, during which we all stared in confusion, an axehead made its way through the metal door and kept on hacking at it.
"My God," I spoke in fear. "They've found me. I don't know how, but they've found me! Run for it, band!" I bravely said, despite clutching onto my companions tightly.
A large enough gash was eventually produced in the door to allow its assailant entry into our dimly-lit, rank-smelling HQ. He was a large man with a beard of red beardhair and his eyes possessed a pulverising gaze. His dress -- rich furs and a golden helmet -- identified him as a powerful Viking Lord, archenemies of Pirates, and thus me!
"Stay back!" I commanded him. "I'm a bit rusty on the old fisticuffs, but I can still slap you and run away like a bear would!"
He fixed his strong eyes on me and lowered his axe in what I assume was a friendly gesture; it being hard to tell what with his terrifying aura.
"I am Oglem the Sharp, Chief Tonguer of the House of Korm!" he announced. My Viking lore was little, but I recognised his title to be something of an ambassador or negotiator. "You are urgently needed!"
"And what would a Viking need me for, eh?" I asked, edging slowly towards the door that connected with the house. "Nothing that requires my limbs to be in the same room as the rest of me, I'd wager!"
"On the contrary," said Oglem. He firmly, but non-violently stopped my very slow escape attempt by standing between me and the door. "I was sent by my Viking elders, yes, but also by Pirate authorities."
"Ha!" I scoffed, yet more bravely. "Pirates and Vikings working together? The idea is preposterous!"
"I assure you," said another voice, from outside the garage, "it is quite post-posterous!" The voicer entered, and he was dressed in piratical garb of noble quality, with angular features, smiling.
This new fellow presented a scroll to me, indicating he was Lord Archibald Fang, an official ambassador for the Council of Beards, the highest piratical authority.
A new dread overcame me. "What could possibly necessitate this hellish union!" Oglem seemed quite put-out by this, but said nothing.
"It is a matter of much secrecy," said Fang, nodding towards my band.
"Oh you can say anything in front of them." I waved my hand dismissively. "They're quite stupid."
Fang seemed uncomfortable, but elaborated. "Every two years, the forces of both Pirates and Vikings assemble their greatest minds at a conference known as the Meeting of Might, to discuss the terms of the uneasy peace we live under. It is kept highly confidential."
"Fascinating," I said, already eating some of the gummi bears I keep hidden about my person at all times. "And how am I involved?"
Oglem suddenly stepped forward. "There has been a murder!"
Despite it being clear weather and the middle of the afternoon, there was a thunderclap and impossibly simultaneous flash of lightning.
"Yes," said Fang. "An important delegate has been killed. I'm reluctant to say more at this time, in such a place and company, but we required a great mind to deduce this mystery before political tensions escalate."
"You're meowing up the wrong scratching post, Fang!" I said. "I gave that life up sixteen months ago to work on my music, man! How did you even find me?"
"We searched your office," said Fang. "Your secretary, who appears to be nothing more than a severed head, gave us several addresses to search you for, including here.
"You must take this case, Coughlan," Fang said, gravely. "The security of the plundering world depends on it!"
I turned my back to him, gummi bears scattering everywhere. "Gah! There's nothing more to be gained from such pursuits for me. Besides, we need to put in the work and win this damn battle of the bands!"
"Is that your life now?" said Fang. "Living in meagre, peasant accommodation, scraping a living, consorting with living human waste?" The band did not react, it was a compliment for them. "What of adventure? Glory? The satisfaction of triumph; of resolving both mystery and misery? What of the accolades? The celebrations? The women?"
"You know me well, Lord Fang," I said, stroking the hedge my beard had become, discovering a gummi bear in the process and consuming it. "But I just don't know..."
At that moment, Spider's dad entered through the connecting door. "What in blue blazes is going on here? What happened to my door? Who are these people? Is that an axe? John? I might have known!"
As he continued his rage, the source of which is unknown to me, I turned back to Fang and Oglem. "I'll take the case!" I turned to the band. "Meet me at the battle of the bands contest site in four weeks. Keep practicing and by then you'll be as awesome as me, just believe in yourselves!"
With a lackadaisical reaction from them, I jumped through the gap in the main door, calling for Fang and Oglem to follow, as Mr. Spider shouted after me, threatening to call the police, probably out of jealousy because his wife totally has the hots for me.
We climbed into the hot-air balloon they had travelled in and set off. John Coughlan, Pirate Investigator, was back in business. When we were a few feet in the air, something occurred to me to ask Fang.
"Hang on," I said. "You want me for my genius, that is clear, but I am quite obviously allied with Pirates. Not that my allegiance can't be bought, but the Vikings don't know that. How did you persuade them to hire me?"
Fang now appeared quite worried, but Oglem chuckled deeply. "Ah well, you see," began the Pirate Lord, "you will be working in conjunction with... well, with a Viking Investigator."
And with that, the die was cast.
To be continued!
And with that, the die was cast.
To be continued!
