The Avengers Trailer Analysis

The Avengers are coming! The Avengers are coming!

In what could perhaps be the greatest moment in Earth history, Marvel Studios will realise their 4-year-old ambition in The Avengers, combining comic book superheroes from four different movies. It will either be monumentally awesome or monumentally terrible.

However it turns out, the trailer was recently released online, causing world peace to break out momentarily, and having only just finished continuously watching it, I thought I'd use my vast intellect to break it down for analysis and share some of my more verbose thoughts (i.e. the ones that don't sound like high-pitched shrieking).

A Fantastic Four Movie -- How I'd Do It

I think enough time has passed since the last Fantastic Four movies came out. They were average at best, and weren't at their best much. I'm a huge fan of the comic book series, and this was actually really difficult to cast. Coming up with the concept, on the other hand, was very easy, since I wrote half a screenplay of my own when I was 18. Ask me nicely to show you it and I might tell you to fuck off. Then show you it.

I'm sure you all know who the FF are, and if not you can look it up on Wikipedia because I can't be bothered giving you a summary.

A Jonah Hex Movie -- How I'd Do It

The 2010 Jonah Hex movie was a bust. Tonally confused, with ridiculous plot elements and some poor casting decisions (other than Josh Brolin as Hex), it was damned to Terrible Film Hell for all eternity and may have been the bullet in the head for lesser-known DC Comics adaptations, as well as non-superhero comic book movies. Maybe I'm overreacting on that last one.

Just like last time, I am driven to mania by this, asking myself how anyone could miss the oh-so-obvious path to bringing a character I really like to the big screen.

I went to get a drink between paragraphs and can't remember if I had any more set-up, but the hell with it: ON TO THE IDEAS!

By the way, Jonah Hex is a scarfaced, western-era bounty hunter who was raised by the Apache and who fought for the Confederacy during the Civil War and continued to wear his uniform afterwards, as a badge of shame. In case you didn't know.

A Green Arrow Movie -- How I'd Do It

Inevitably, every superhero is going to get their own movie at some point. Inevitably, some of them are gonna be bad. Sometimes, I'm so big a fan of the character that I have no idea how anybody could compress everything great about them into a two-hour movie, and I just sit back and wait for the results (Batman, The Flash). Sometimes, I don't really care at all about the character and am just looking for a good movie (Iron Man, Spider-Man).

And then there's characters where I like them just enough to see how they could be broken up into tiny pieces and reassembled into digestible chunks for a larger audience. When I read about the in-progress film ideas for some of these characters, I feel like the lonely genius in all those Oscar-winning movies who doesn't understand why nobody can see what he sees.

So I present to you what might become a recurring feature: My ideas for a film adaptation of some of my mid-favourite superheroes before Hollywood destroys them forever. Starting with Green Arrow.

Pirate Eye 3: Chapter V

"Battle for the World"

"I am become Pirate God!" bellowed Anicetus from the top of his gigantic robo-suit, so large it could use the Kraken as a fancy hat. He started stomping on the various ships anchored near Shadow Island.

Blackbeard turned to me as the others feared their impending crushination. "Coughlan, there is a way for you, and only you, to end this. Hurry!"

He put his sword between his teeth, for no reason I could fathom, and swung on a rope towards the island. I followed, of course.

"How can we possibly stop such a mechanical man!?" I asked, in uncharacteristic desperation.

Pirate Eye 3: Chapter IV

"Pirates vs. Ninjas"

Like a great big pair of balls on the face of a sleeping partygoer, Shields' ninja army descended humiliatingly upon the fleet of pirate vessels, seizing them easily since their captains, the greatest pirates in history, were held hostage along with me on Shields' blimp.

We were all restrained by shackles made from anti-pirate metals and surrounded by ninjas as Shields himself paced before us in the airship's control room. For some reason, Shields was now wearing an over-the-top naval uniform, complete with medals, giant epaulets and cape.

"You'll never get away with this, Shields," I said.

My Top Five Captain Picard Speeches

As we all learned in history class, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise is one of the greatest human beings who will ever live. In the future. Aside from his voluminous scientific knowledge, his resolute leadership skills, his tactful diplomacy, and a damned commanding presence, Picard is also known in every quadrant of the galaxy as a magnificent orator.

His Shakespearean voice and sage wisdom combine to form some of the most hard-hitting, poignant speeches of the 24th century. Or, indeed, any century. I have described five of my favourite below.

Pirate Eye 3: Chapter III

"Into the Shadows"

Captain Dragonblood's men sword-prodded me along the plank towards the watery grave below, my hands secured behind me still.

"This is what ye get for turning your back on pirates, Coughlan!" said Dragonblood, and his crew laughed along with him. "Say hello to--"

"Yes, yes, say hello to Davy Jones," I said. "I get that all the time."

"Actually, I was going to tell you to say hello to my mother," said Dragonblood. "She's most definitely in Hell. Tell her Stuart says hi."

Pirate Eye 3: Chapter II

"Tyger, Tyger, Holy $#@%!"

The sabretooth tiger's breath stank of fresh horror, gusting down my throat as I kept a firm grip on its razor-sharp fangs and repeatedly kicked it in the balls to no avail.

As if wrestling a prehistoric murder-beast on the carpet wasn't enough, 30 ninjas crashed in the already quite damaged windows and grabbed Shields.

"No!" shrieked the Commodore. "They've come for me! Coughlan, save me!"

I flipped over, pinning the tiger to the floor. "Alright, you bastards, I'm not even gonna kick ass, I'm gonna kick all the way to the goddam heart!"

Pirate Eye 3: Chapter I

PIRATE EYE 3: THE COMMODORE KILLER

"Operation: Excalibur"

Shackled in irons, fastened into three straightjackets and blindfolded with a black bag, I was dragged by two strong men either side of me through a large, cold room with hard floors.

I had no idea where I was nor who my captors were, for they had ambushed me at my weakest point: Just after brex. Using high-powered air rifles, they had shot me in the head with no fewer than sixteen steel bolts, knocking me into deep unconsciousness like a weekend in Blackpool.

After some hours of travel, I was planked down in a comfy wooden chair and the bag removed. I now saw that I was in an extravagant, oak and gold furnished office. Before me was a large desk and behind it was a large prick. He wore an elaborate Royal Navy uniform adorned with medals, and sported the type of moustache that just screams… "bastard."

"Alright," I croaked, my mouth still tasting of brex, "I hope you cunts like the wallpaper in here, 'cause you're about to become part of it."

My Top Ten College Humor Videos

College Humor is very probably my favourite humorous website on the entire netsphere. I've seen a lot of their videos and articles, and they always make me laugh hard. Many of you will have no doubt heard me recount or recommend one of their many funny sketches, but you don't have to take my word for it any more! For I, in the truly bored manner traditionally found amongst viewers of online comedy, have compiled a list of my top ten favourite videos! Witness!

Green Lantern -- From Memory

Welcome to the first of what I hope is a series of... Posts? Articles? Mind-dumps?... where I recount an entire film from memory alone.

As a general disclaimer, I should say that this is all in good fun and does not reflect the quality of the actual movie. (Except this one time.)

Anyhoo, there will probably be spoilers -- I say "probably" because I have literally no idea how this is going to go -- so watch out.

GREEN LANTERN -- FROM MEMORY

Pirate Eye 2: Chapter VI

"How to Get a Head in Your Career"

I grabbed a skeleton in each hand and began swinging them wildly at the now gargantuan Ronald. But my makeshift people-weapons were no match for his increased strength and fury.

He charged at me like a Tokyo magnet train and we both went over the side of the golden ship atop the mighty fortress. Landing on a deck on the next tier down, I sprung into action.

I threw a bone from one of the skeletons like it was a boomerang towards the anchor from the topmost ship. It ricocheted off, causing the anchor to swiftly lower, landing perfectly on Ronald's head.

"Anchors away," I felt the need to quip.

The Avengers Movie -- What I Want

I'm not normally terribly obsessive when it comes to film adaptations of comic books. I didn't want to blow my brains out because Zack Snyder changed the ending of Watchmen (or Dr. Manhattan's final line, which, quite frankly I'd be more inclined to complain abut than anything, but that's neither here nor there), I'm not making demands of Christopher Nolan on the next Bat-film, and even though I'm a huge Flash-fan and the current plans for that movie sound a million miles away from the comics, I'm not worried.

Because, at the end of the day, the film is a different thing from the comic no matter what. All that matters to me is whether or not I've seen a good movie, regardless of how "faithful" it is to the source material.

But fuck that thinking for a minute. I'm talking about The Avengers here. And yes, I've never actually read an Avengers comic (there's, like, 70 different series with that title for one thing), but this is bigger than that. This is film. And I know what I want from a film like this.

Pirate Eye 2: Chapter V

"Fortress of the Pirate Queen"

"Well, Jim, will you at least permit me to finish this fine glass of oh-jay?" I asked as I raised the glass to him, as if in a toast.

The blind assassin grinned. "Nice try, Coughlan. I know you're stalling."

I sighed. "Then you have orders to kill me?"

"No," said Jim. "We have orders to overkill you." He shouted to the sea of bounty hunters surrounding me, weapons at the ready. "Take aim!"

Pirate Eye 2: Chapter IV

"The Price of Vengeance"

Thirteen months later…
The dry Marrakech heat was a stark contrast to the climate I had found myself in just over a year ago in the Aztec tomb beneath the Arctic.

Likewise, my current safety was at odds with the peril I faced during that godforsaken quest.

My new companion, Captain Rum, and I strolled though the bustling marketplace with purpose.

"Ye believe ye'll find yer backstabbers here, eh?" asked the short, gnarled man who had been kind enough to grant me use of his ship and crew during my search for vengeance.

What I Would Do With Wonder Woman

With the news that NBC will not in fact be going ahead with their proposed Wonder Woman TV show -- which they had fully cast and filmed the pilot of -- many comic book fans breathed a sigh of relief.

Now I've never actually read a Wonder Woman story, unless you count the Justice League, DC Event stories, or casual crossovers, and am not usually the obsessive, "They're doing it wrong!" kind of fan anyway, but I did smile at this development (or lack thereof).

Not because I was concerned about the costume, or the casting, or the lukewarm script reports I had read, but because now I get to submit my ideas for a Wonder Woman TV show. And since this is the Internet, where everybody is equally important, I have outlined my proposal below.

Attention, television-making people: You have my full permission to use any of this treatment in future and I will take no action.

Pirate Eye 2: Chapter III

"Hellfist Unleashed"

"RUN!" I shouted to Ann and Ronald.

The animated and headless corpse of Captain Hellfist continued shuffling towards us at a slow yet still terrifying pace.

"Where to!?" Ann yelled back.

The ghastly ex-captain was blocking our only exit. "Into the chamber!" I improvised.

"We'll be trapped!" said Ann, resisting my efforts to corral her.

"Better than dead!" I shouted. Hellfist's beheaded remains were embarrassingly close now.

The War on Terror is Over -- What's Next?

With Osama bin Laden dead, the very idea of terror has been erased from existence. But America, always one to set itself an impossible goal, will surely need another abstract concept to defeat soon.

Sure, they're always waging a War on Crime, or a War on Drugs, or a War on Video Game Violence, but the peace-loving government of the U.S.A. will need a bigger target to fell before their might. I mean, you don't go back to fours after you've banged a ten, right? That's exactly the same thinking that motivates the Most Powerful Nation on Earth.

Because the 21st century has no more respectable forum for genius than the Internet, I have written out a few proposals below.

Pirate Eye 2: Chapter II

"If You Go Into the Arctic Today…"

Truly, there is fuck-all at the North Pole.

After months aboard the Crimson Wake, during which nobody's character developed one iota, I now stood amidst an infinity of snow. The horizon-to-horizon whiteness was marked only by the Wake itself -- an eerie blot on a blank canvass.

Captain "Nasty Ann" Marinov, her First Mate Ronald, and I marched across the frozen wasteland like brainless birds flying headfirst into a hurricane of remorseless cold. The rest of the crew stayed aboard the ship out of dread.

Pirate Eye 2: Chapter I

If you've just tuned in: This is a sequel to my earlier story "Pirate Eye: A Cutthroat Murder Mystery" which can be found among my Facebook notes. You don't need to read it beforehand, but it is bloody good.

PIRATE EYE 2: THE CASE OF THE HEADLESS CAPTAIN!

Chapter I: Lady on Board

I clutched tightly to the gargantuan sea-beast's tentacle, which terminated in a lobster claw, as it writhed wildly in an attempt to throw me off. But I -- John Coughlan, Pirate Investigator -- was having none of it. I thrust my mighty sword into its cursed flesh and leapt to the deck below.

The creature let out a wretched scream as it sank below the waters. I turned to Captain Greybeard, whose service I was currently employed in, and presented him with a small metal box.

"Dammit, Captain!" I said. "Your greed will condemn us all! Put the amulet in the box!"

Greybeard fingered the glowing amulet in his hands with a childlike wonder. His crew looked on, and he knew their loyalty would only last so long before they threw him and his prize to the beast below.

KAPOW! Issue #3

"Han Shoots First"

"I should have known," I told the short, bearded film director before me. "Who else would know the counter-frequency to the Order's mana?"

George Lucas, safe from me and the babes behind a wall of soldier droids, paced smugly. "Yes. I used to be a member, as you're probably aware. Ejecting me was--"

"A smart move?" I said.

"Their biggest error," said Lucas. "But now I will show them, and the world, just how great I am!"

"By wiping out nerd-kind?" I said, genuinely confused. "Your biggest -- hell, your only supporters?"

KAPOW! Issue #2

"All Your Base"

With the babes piloting the X-Jet, we were in London in no time at all, despite my desperate attempts at small-talk.

"So… Either of you girls know Ryan Reynolds?" I asked.

Before they could respond, an alert flashed on the radar screen.

"Incoming," reported Olivia.

"Multiple hostiles, twelve o'clock," added Kristen. "Executing evasive manoeuvres."

KAPOW! Issue #1

"Up, Up and Away!"

I awoke to cold darkness. Instantly assuming, as I always do when I awake into strange circumstances, that the Apocalypse was upon me, I immediately reached for the warm girls either side of me, only to grab at hard ground.

That's when I realised that I had been removed from my gigantic, solid gold bed and placed into parts unknown.

I leapt to my feet, ready to face my kidnapper, and noticed that I had been clothed in a three-piece suit and tie. Then I remembered that this wasn't so odd, since that's how I always sleep.

A blinding light suddenly enveloped me and a booming voice spoke.