"Battle for the World"
"I am become Pirate God!" bellowed Anicetus from the top of his gigantic robo-suit, so large it could use the Kraken as a fancy hat. He started stomping on the various ships anchored near Shadow Island.
Blackbeard turned to me as the others feared their impending crushination. "Coughlan, there is a way for you, and only you, to end this. Hurry!"
He put his sword between his teeth, for no reason I could fathom, and swung on a rope towards the island. I followed, of course.
"How can we possibly stop such a mechanical man!?" I asked, in uncharacteristic desperation.
"There is a second Pirate Mecha buried even deeper than the first!" said Blackbeard. He was already running for the enormous gap Anicetus had left in the ground.
"What?!" I was naturally quite shocked to learn that there were two impossible contraptions in existence, let alone so close to one another. I'm sure Blackbeard will explain everything. Let's see…
The infamous pirate icon dove downwards, and I, again, followed. As we plummeted, Blackbeard did indeed provide backstory.
"The Council of Beards has known about the Pirate Mecha for centuries, despite most pirates believing it to be a myth. Knowing that even we, with our formidable pirate magic, would be unable to operate it, we feared any scoundrel that could.
"Thus the Council had another Mecha constructed to counter Anicetus in the event he returned and was evil."
"Good call," I added.
"However, being as we are filthy, untrustworthy thieves and killers, we decided that this back-up Mecha should not be operable by a pirate."
"…I take back what I just said."
"This was also a failsafe in case Anicetus discovered it and attempted to unleash two hellish deathbots on us all."
"Yeah, okay, you got a point there. But what does this have to do with me?" I asked, despite everything seeming so obvious by this point.
"You must operate our Mecha, Coughlan," Blackbeard explained for any of us who hadn't grasped it yet.
Right on cue, I landed in the cockpit of the giant Mecha. Blackbeard stood on its shoulder, much like a parrot.
"What say ye, man?" he asked me. "Will you heed our call and destroy this mad pirate?"
I plugged myself into the enormous suit, feeling my every movement translate to the Mecha perfectly, and basked in its power.
"Blacky, my foot was born to kick ass."
I immediately erupted forth from beneath Shadow Island (Blackbeard landed on a mattress or something) and dropped into an awesome action pose behind Anicetus, who had killed a fair few people by this point.
"What new mirth is this?" he asked, chuckling with a voice that could be heard across the world and at least seven dimensions. "Somebody to challenge me!?"
"That's right, 'Shields'," I said. "You thought you could use me as a pawn in your grand plan to dominate all pirate-kind, but you forgot one thing: Even pawns can put the king in checkmate!"
"That was such an awful action line, I think the English language just died!" said Anicetus.
"MEN IN GIANT METAL SUITS TALKING IS BORING LET US NOW FIGHT!" I declared. With that, we launched at one another.
Our fists collided in the air, but I wanted it more, to Anicetus was rocketed backwards all the way to China. I ran after him, and by the time I caught up, he was brandishing a dragon like nunchuks.
Towering over the island of Japan, I looked around for my own awesome weapon. Luckily, Godzilla happened to be attacked that day and I grabbed him by the tail, deflecting a dragon-swing just in the nick of time.
"Give it up, Coughlan!" Anicetus shouted as we attempted to beat each other to death with legendary monsters. "I am the heralded leader of all pirates! I am the Pirate God! You cannot interfere with destiny!"
Decapitating the dragon with one swing of my Godzilla, I said, "Ha! When it comes to destiny, I'm like a creepy uncle! I can interfere all I like and there's nothing you can do about it!"
Anicetus used the remainder of the dragon to bat me across the continent, and my landing demolished the entire Taj Mahal, destroying centuries of history, Indian tourism and the world economy as a result.
Before I could even dust the broken architecture and dead people off my mechano-armour, Anicetus landed from a mighty leap at my feet.
"I am simply trying to assert my rightful place, damn you!" he shouted. "I am the creator of piracy! All those who follow in my steps must bow down before me!"
He booted me right in the robo-balls and sent me flying again. This time I landed in gay Paris, crushing another load of (much more annoying) innocents. Anicetus landed after me soon after. As he made for another nutshot, I grabbed his foot and twisted, planking him all over the gorgeous Parisian landscape.
I stood over him. "You're right, Annie; you did create piracy. And with it you created rebellion at authority. To assume your 'followers' would mindlessly obey you is all kinds of lunatic. You need help, by which I mean, A PUMMELLING!"
I laid into him with a few hundred punches, the impacts causing every nation on Earth to achieve Def Con 1, or equivalent, without appropriate authorisation.
"ENOUGH!" Anicetus yelled, kicking me on my metal behind for about the umpteenth time. Seriously, if anything, this Pirate Mecha is actually making me weaker.
In a fit of absolute rage, Anicetus wrapped both his mechanical hands tightly around the base of the Eiffel Tower and wrenched the structure free. He came at me, swinging the Tower like a cutlass.
"Your words mean nothing to me!" Anicetus' suit was badly damaged from my mach-level punching, but he came at me with wild abandon, tearing at my own suit with the Eiffel. "I will have my destiny! My power!"
I was fending off these attacks from France's only landmark expertly, but my Mecha was still taking hits. I needed to even the odds.
"You're a madman, Anicetus," I said. "There's only one way to put you down!" I leapt across the Channel to England, crushing yet more people underfoot.
As I predicted, Anicetus soon followed, landing behind me just as I pulled Big Ben out of the ground and smacked him across the face with it. By "Big Ben" I of course mean the Westminster Clock Tower, but you know fine well what's easier to type, so leave me alone.
I made to pierce my opponent's armour with my impossible weapon, but he deflected the blow with his own. And so we began a terrifying sword fight -- Eiffel Tower against Big Ben -- that dragged out over the nation.
By this point, we had killed so many people that the only thing stopping the United Nations from ordering a tactical nuclear strike on us was sheer overwhelming grief.
Although our swordsmanship was equally matched, my Mecha was obviously less advanced and showing greater signs of wear. I needed an advantage.
Grabbing the nearby Millennium Dome as a shield, I bought myself some time to formulate a plan of action.
Straining with each strike, Anicetus gasped, "How… is this… detective work? You seem… to have just… degenerated… into mindless… violence… I did not… expect this…"
"When you hire John Coughlan, you don't just hire a pirate investigator, you hire an unstoppable force! Also, I barely remember what happened last week!"
"What?"
At this metafictional confusion, I thrust Anicetus backward with my shield, grabbed the London Eye and hurled it with all my strength like a discus at Anicetus. The force sent him flying across the Atlantic Ocean, creating tidal waves that I punched into submission as I flew after him.
Having landed in New York (too soon?), Anicetus had lost the Eiffel Tower in transit and grabbed the Statue of Liberty in its place. But it was too late; I was getting into my final run.
"Hiding behind a lady, Anicetus?" I said. "You must be desperate."
"This… is not… possible…" said Anicetus.
"I don't normally hit women," I lied, "but I might as well go for two." I punched Lady Liberty so hard my fist broke through her face and into Anicetus'. Once again, he was catapulted backwards a great distance. And once again, I followed, refusing to give up the chase until the world we were threatening was safe.
Our world tour had now reached Mount Rushmore. Anicetus was clearly exhausted, but had managed to pull Roosevelt's head free from the monument.
"Yield!" he screamed, throwing the stone façade at me.
I roundhouse kicked the legendary former president into a thousand broken pieces and grabbed Anicetus by his Mecha's collar.
"It… It doesn't matter what you do with me…" he gasped out. "I will rise again… I am piracy!"
"And I'm not done." I released Anicetus and jumped straight up into the air, through the atmosphere (curing global warming in the process) out into space, grabbed the Moon with both hands and brought it crashing down over Anicetus' head.
"That's amore," I said, having defeated this menace for good.
* * *
With the world horribly devastated but ultimately safe, I met with the Council of Beards on Blackbeard's ship for grog and wenchmeat.
"Good work, lad," said Blackbeard. "With Anicetus vanquished and the Pirate Mecha never to be spoken of again, everything has worked out for the best."
"Thanks, Captain," I said, truly humbled. "I'm sure there's probably some unresolved plot threads and such, but fuck it, let's party!"
And that is the story of how the world's most outrageous orgy began.
The Beginning?
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