"Pirates vs. Ninjas"
Like a great big pair of balls on the face of a sleeping partygoer, Shields' ninja army descended humiliatingly upon the fleet of pirate vessels, seizing them easily since their captains, the greatest pirates in history, were held hostage along with me on Shields' blimp.
We were all restrained by shackles made from anti-pirate metals and surrounded by ninjas as Shields himself paced before us in the airship's control room. For some reason, Shields was now wearing an over-the-top naval uniform, complete with medals, giant epaulets and cape.
"You'll never get away with this, Shields," I said.
"You don't even know my full plan," Shields said back with venom. "Some detective you are."
"What I lack in detective skills I make up for in terrifying insanity," I said.
"He obviously intends to see us hanged," said Blackbeard, his wisdom noticeable. "The coward has tricked us all just to see his career validated."
"Wait…" I said, struggling to understand the scenario, which involved no punching. "So you hired Dragonblood to kill those commodores just to get the Council of Beards to assemble?"
"Prexactly!" said Shields. "But I'm afraid this situation is far more complex than simple career advancement. For you see, I am not really Commodore Shields at all… My name is Anicetus!"
The entire Council gasped in recognition.
"Who?" I asked.
"The first ever pirate!" said Blackbeard, and even his mighty voice sounded humbled.
Shields/Anicetus began orating. "Thousands of years ago I attempted to lead a rebel fleet against Rome. I was… unsuccessful, but inspired piracy as a result. Using a variety of ancient magicks, I was able to put myself in suspended animation, collecting power from ever single pirate over the years, so that when I awakened, I would be stronger than anyone!
"When I resurrected, I intended to take my rightful place as Pirate God. To ensure I would meet no opposition, I drew plans against my greatest potential rivals -- the Council of Beards."
"Yes, yes, this all makes perfect sense," I said. "So what's going to happen now?"
"As the Council well knows," he continued, "beneath Shadow Island lies my ultimate weapon…"
One of the not-Blackbeard pirates… I dunno… Captain Avery said, "My god, man… Surely you cannot mean…"
"Yes!" said Anicetus with a madman's grin. "The Pirate Mecha!"
I once again turned to the Council for exposition.
"It is said the Pirate Mecha was constructed by Anicetus himself," said Black Bart.
"It was," said Anicetus.
"A gigantic mechanical suit of armour, that only the most powerful pirate in the Seven Seas could use," said Bart.
"I left it under Shadow Island until I could accumulate enough power to use the thing," said Anicetus. "Whereupon I shall use it to enslave all pirates to my command!"
"This stinks of alpha-grade fuckshit!" I bellowed, breaking free from my chains, because I am only half-pirate and thus not completely restrained and only just now managed to wear down the metal.
Anicetus' ninjas braced themselves but I was far to bored and angry to notice. "Alright, Shields, or Anaesthetist, or whatever-the-crayola your name is, would you prefer I kicked your ass clockwise or anti-clockwise!?"
"Neither is an option for you, Coughlan," said Anicetus. "For you see--"
I was already flying through the air towards him, leg extended for a face-kick, but several ninjas grappled me, taking me to the floor. They were easy enough to dispatch, but there were so many that Anicetus got to finish his villain speech.
"--although I require the Pirate Mecha to focus my power over pirates worldwide, I have just enough to control those in my immediate vicinity. Even those as legendary as the Council of Beards."
I finished off the last ninja just in time to see the Council, freed from bondage, drawing their swords. Their eyes, glowing from mind-control, regarded me with pure hatred.
"Not even you can defeat their combined might," said Anicetus. He strapped a small helicopter to his back and took off out the window towards the island.
Black Bellamy lunged for me first, his cutlass damned near penetrating my side with his super-pirate speed. I deflected the attack, using it to strike out Calico Jack, who made for my head. I carefully drove Bellamy's elbow into Jack's head, knocking him out. I had to be wary not to kill the Council, nor let them kill me.
Bellamy made for my gut with a spare dagger just as Anne Bonny jumped on my back, her sword at my throat. Bellamy's blade shattered against my rock-hard pecs, but I knew I would not be so lucky against stronger pirate metal. Luckily, a shard from the dagger flew up and hit Anne in the eye, very probably necessitating in an eyepatch.
I threw Anne over my head, slamming her down into Bellamy and putting them both out of action. Looking up for the next attack, I was shocked to find Captains Kidd, Avery and Morgan all fighting Blackbeard, who fended off their strikes with just one sword, his beard somehow already on fire.
Off my confused look, Blackbeard said, "Fancy Italian sorcery isn't enough to possess my mind, boy! Not when I have this!" He showed me a blank piece of paper. "It's the White Spot; protects me from death curses! Now give me a hand! I've never had a fight that did not result in the murder of everyone within visual range, and obviously I'd like to avoid that here!"
Snapping back into action, I grabbed two ninjas, put my hands up their shirts like they were puppets, and used them as boxing gloves against Avery.
With such a titanic clash of pirate legends, the weather outside was become thunderous, causing the blimp to shake. Lighting struck us just as I ninja-punched out Avery, and the airship started to bank towards the island.
"I can handle these two!" said Blackbeard, expertly fighting off both Morgan and Kidd, who were both now on fire too somehow. "Stop us from crashing!"
Taking the controls of the blimp, I pulled back as far as I could (the opposite of my usual strategy) but the craft still plummeted downward at an almighty speed.
Blackbeard's hand came down on my shoulder. "That's it, lad! We can use this!"
"What?" I was alarmed. "What happened--?"
"I used the White Spot to cure the others of Anicetus' hold over them," said Blackbeard. "Now, aim this airship over our own vessels. The ninjas still hold our crews prisoner."
I stopped the blimp from smashing into Shadow Island just in the nick of time and used its momentum to propel us towards Queen Anne's Revenge, Blackbeard's ship.
"What are you going to do?" I asked, knowing the answer would give my ears erections.
"We're going to use magnet boots to stand on the underside of the blimp's hull," said Blackbeard, "and we're gonna fight the ninjas upside-down!"
I was in complete awe of his manly genius. "I would take a bullet for even a drawing of you," I told him.
With the Council of Beards standing underneath the blimp, I flew it low over the various ships surrounding the island. In what is probably the greatest event you have ever imagined, the pirates fought off all the ninjas while standing upside-down and moving at the speed of sound.
* * *
I crashed the airship spectacularly into the ocean and now stood on the deck of the Revenge along with the Council.
"I've already forgotten most of the reason we were here in the first place," said Blackbeard, "so I guess I'm proud of you, Coughlan. Will you consider becoming a full pirate and joining my crew?"
"That's kind of you, Edward," I started to say, but was interrupted by Calico Jack.
"Wait a minute!" he said. "What about Anicetus!?"
Suddenly, Shadow Island exploded upwards, earth and trees flying everywhere, and a big, giant, seriously-really-big-like-you-couldn't-even-like-see-the-top-of-it robot rose up over us. Anicetus was sitting smugly in its head-cockpit.
"Ah shoelaces," I cursed.
To be continued…
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