PIRATE EYE 3: THE COMMODORE KILLER
"Operation: Excalibur"
Shackled in irons, fastened into three straightjackets and blindfolded with a black bag, I was dragged by two strong men either side of me through a large, cold room with hard floors.
I had no idea where I was nor who my captors were, for they had ambushed me at my weakest point: Just after brex. Using high-powered air rifles, they had shot me in the head with no fewer than sixteen steel bolts, knocking me into deep unconsciousness like a weekend in Blackpool.
After some hours of travel, I was planked down in a comfy wooden chair and the bag removed. I now saw that I was in an extravagant, oak and gold furnished office. Before me was a large desk and behind it was a large prick. He wore an elaborate Royal Navy uniform adorned with medals, and sported the type of moustache that just screams… "bastard."
"Alright," I croaked, my mouth still tasting of brex, "I hope you cunts like the wallpaper in here, 'cause you're about to become part of it."
The prick behind the desk smirked. "That won't me necessary, Mr. Coughlan…"
"I know it won't be necessary. That's why I'm gonna do it."
"Her Majesty's Navy requires your services," he continued.
I was not in the mood for his fancy talk. "Does Her Majesty's Navy know I'm not a prostitute?"
"My name is Commodore Shields…"
"My name is Rear Vice Super-Admiral I-don't-give-a-fuck."
Shields leaned back in his chair. "Mr. Coughlan, you are heavily restrained. And even if you were somehow to get free, this building is filled to the brim with Naval officers, not to mention we are in the centre of London and you are a known pirate collaborator. What could you possibly do?"
Throughout the conversation I had been using my tongue to remove one of my own teeth. At this precise moment, I spat the tooth out of my mouth at a 45 degree angle towards the window, at the speed of a bullet. It shot through the window, into a hawk that was flying by, sending it plummeting towards us, through the hole in the window and into the head of the guard on my left, knocking him out cold. As he fell, his sword cut my bindings, freeing me to punch out the dumbfounded guard on my right and take his sword.
Leaping in one jump onto Shields' desk, I held the sword at his throat. "Alright, Captain Commodore, let's just cut right through the shit to the good stuff," I said with impregnating machismo. "Why would the Royal Navy want me -- a pirate investigator -- to help them?"
Shields gulped and looked me in the eye. "Because we want you to investigate a pirate…"
One of my eyebrows stood up like it had a bad cramp. "A play on words… My one weakness. You've intrigued me, Commodore. Continue."
Shields hurriedly began his little narrative. "Over the past few weeks, several high-ranking members of the Navy have been found murdered in their homes or offices. In each instance the murder weapon -- a solid gold dagger -- was found on the body, yet our best men have been unable to uncover any other clues as to the killer's identity."
I mulled these facts over in my mighty brain. "What makes you think it's a pirate?"
"The officers, all commodores, were involved in a top secret pirate sting operation. Entire fleets were being organised into what was to be the end of piracy in the Seven Seas. Each of the commodores held unique pieces of information crucial to the operation; each one concerning a different major player in the pirate world. This division of information was to ensure that nobody could uncover the whole plan."
"And now, with them dead, the plan's a bogey," I guessed.
"Exactly," said Shields. "It's obvious a pirate heard of our endeavour and took action against us."
"So you want me to find out who your commodore killer is?"
"Your knowledge of piracy and pirate customs is vast, and your detective skill legendary. You were our only choice if we are to avenge our fallen comrades and recover any information pertaining to Operation: Excalibur."
I nodded in appreciation of that awesome name, but I had apprehensions. I decided to tell this to Shields. "I have apprehensions. Firstly, and in all honesty, most of my investigations rely on extraordinary luck and very little actual detective work gets done. Secondly, what's in it for me?"
"You would retain your reputation, as anonymity and secrecy are crucial to this investigation. The Fleet Admiral is also willing to offer you… immunity from prosecution, provided that you remain available to us in the future should we need you again."
I thought about this for a moment. On the one hand, if I solved this conundrum for the Royal Navy and they went ahead with their ocean-wide pirate raid, I'd have effectively sold my primary customers up the river. On the other hand, I badly did not want to go to prison, ever.
"Okay, Shields, remove this case's price tag and have someone wrap it up for me, 'cause I'll take it!" I withdrew my sword.
Shields stood, looking very relieved. "Excellent. We haven't a moment to lose!"
"What makes you say that?" I asked, still standing on his desk, nonchalantly. "Is piracy going somewhere?"
Shields took a deep breath and looked around cautiously, before saying in a quiet voice, "I am the only remaining member of Operation: Excalibur. It is only a matter of time before the killer makes his move on me."
As if on cue, a sabretooth tiger came crashing through the window, tackling me to the ground and roaring ferociously!
The game's afoot…
No comments:
Post a Comment