KAPOW! Issue #2

"All Your Base"

With the babes piloting the X-Jet, we were in London in no time at all, despite my desperate attempts at small-talk.

"So… Either of you girls know Ryan Reynolds?" I asked.

Before they could respond, an alert flashed on the radar screen.

"Incoming," reported Olivia.

"Multiple hostiles, twelve o'clock," added Kristen. "Executing evasive manoeuvres."

All I could do was stand and admire the still bikini-clad actresses as they expertly handled the controls, evading our attackers with ease as they glided overhead with a shriek.

"What the hell were those things?" I asked, panicked.

"Scanning," said Kristen. Her adorable features turned to disbelief at the readout. "According to this… they were vampire snipers armed with laser Gatling guns riding on the backs on robot pterodactyls."

I rolled my eyes, recalling a past misadventure. "Not again."

The X-Jet was rocked by laserfire.

"It makes sense that this evil agency would attempt to stop us by any means necessary," I said.

"I don't think I can shake them!" said Olivia, her piloting skills amplifying her sexiness.

"Leave this to me, babes!" I said bravely. Removing my jacket, I stepped up to the rear hatchway. "Open it," I said to the girls.

The hatch opening, and the wind rushing past me, I prepared to jump.

"Master?" said Kristen, stopping me. "Please don't die." Both girls looked longingly at me.

"Die?" I scoffed. "Pah! I invite Death 'round every night for coffee, and he always stands me up. Which, incidentally, means I'm free tonight."

I winked, instantly changing the babes' Facebook relationship statuses to "In a Sex Triangle with John Coughlan" and leapt out the back of the X-Jet.

Flying through the air, I collided with the closest vampire, placing my lightsabre against his chest and igniting the blade, instantly vaporising him before he could even comprehend who it was that had killed him.

Seizing the reigns of his robodactyl, I turned it towards the other armed vampires. They fired their lasers at me, but I effortlessly deflected the volley with my lightsabre, the robodactyl's reigns in my teeth.

In their blind fury, I managed to get close enough to punch one right through the chest. As I missed his heart, this one didn't vaporise, but I yanked him off his 'dactyl like a sock puppet on the end of my arm, and used him to knock out three of his companions, who plummeted to their doom.

Then, aiming the vampire perfectly, I threw him like a javelin, piercing the other vampires' hearts with his body as he burst through them one after the other, turning them to ash, and then joining his downward-plunging brethren.

With no-one commanding them, the robodactyls returned to Mount Rushmore, which, as everyone knows, is where they come from.

I set mine free after it took me back to the X-Jet.

"Relax, ladies, with my manly strength and intelligence, I have made you safe," I told the girls.

"Excellent, Master," said Olivia. "We are now hovering above the centre of the evil convergence."

"What now, My Lord?" asked Kristen.

"I'll pop in for a visit, get a good scan around, then call you in as needed," I said. "I know you'd both love nothing more than to see me in action, but we must think strategically."

"Of course, Sire," said Kristen.

"Do you wish us to land?" asked Olivia.

"Not necessary," I said. "I'll just jump. It's how I exit most vehicles."

"There are parachutes in--"

"Ha! I laugh at parachutes, Kristen," I said. "I prefer to use an upside-down jet-pack, so that the jets face upwards."

With absolutely no further discussion on the subject, I did just that.

Crashing through the glass ceiling of the Business Design Centre, I was greeted with shocked gasps and frightened screams, debris scattering everywhere unceremoniously.

Comic book writer Mark Millar darted over to me. "Mr. Coughlan, it is an honour to have you here!"

"Please," I said, raising a hand to silence him. "I wish to remain inconspicuous." I dusted some broken glass off my shoulder and proceeded to investigate.

As I searched around, I could see the effects of the anti-nerd convergence. Already the con-goers were looking much weaker than normal, and by God is that saying something.

The tricorder made my job much easier, and I soon learned that the source of this convergence was beneath the convention itself. Seeking a means to access this dungeon of despair, I located an entrance to the sub-levels, but it was well guarded by two bouncers.

It was likely that they knew not what they protected, and since I wished not to draw attention to myself, I had the babes teleport down to meet me. Rather than fight my way in, the three of us passed by the guards with ease, since nobody questions a man with two hot chicks on his arm. Ever.

After a intensely sexual lift ride to the bottommost level of the complex, we stepped into the lair of our enemy.

A huge supercomputer lined one wall of the spacious chamber, with archways leading off into other rooms.

"According to the tricorder," I narrated, "this machine is responsible for the convergence of anti-nerd energies."

"Can you deactivate it, Master?" asked Olivia.

I was already randomly pushing buttons in ignorance. "Fucked if I know."

"Master!" shouted Kristen in alarm.

Wave upon wave of soldier robots poured out of the archways, armed with heavy-duty laser rifles. The three of us went for out lightsabres, but within seconds we were surrounded by superior numbers.

"Bravo. I did not expect you to get this far," said a voice dripping with evil. A cloaked figure entered the room. "But it matters not. You cannot stop my plan!"

"Of course," I said. "It's obvious now, only you could be behind this…"

The figure lowered his hood and chuckled evilly.

"…GEORGE LUCAS!"

"I got a bad feeling about this," said Kristen.

To be continued…