KAPOW! Issue #1

"Up, Up and Away!"

I awoke to cold darkness. Instantly assuming, as I always do when I awake into strange circumstances, that the Apocalypse was upon me, I immediately reached for the warm girls either side of me, only to grab at hard ground.

That's when I realised that I had been removed from my gigantic, solid gold bed and placed into parts unknown.

I leapt to my feet, ready to face my kidnapper, and noticed that I had been clothed in a three-piece suit and tie. Then I remembered that this wasn't so odd, since that's how I always sleep.

A blinding light suddenly enveloped me and a booming voice spoke.

"John Coughlan, your services are required!"

"You'll have to make an appointment with my secretary," I bravadoed. "According to the letters I've been receiving, her name is My Client and her address is one hundred yards from me at all times."

"This is a mission of singular importance!" continued the unseen speaker. "I think you will understand the gravity of the situation, if even we have need of you…"

The light dimmed and now I saw who it was that had taken me in the night.

A curved conference table lay at the other end of a large chamber, and about it sat four men: Actor Thomas Jane, former vice president Al Gore, actor/writer Simon Pegg, and Internet meme Leeroy Jenkins.

"The High Council of Nerds," I whispered, for even I was in awe. Genuinely humbled, I got down on one knee and bowed my head. "Forgive my rudeness, Your Majesties, I knew not with whom I spoketh… thee."

"Rise," said Al Gore. "You need not prostrate yourself before us."

"We are familiar with your legendary reputation," said Simon Pegg.

Thomas Jane unrolled a scroll and read from it. "You slew the Strathclyde Minotaur, solved the murder of Eyepatch Jones, and were crucial in saving the Internet from implosion." The others wore saintly robes, but Jane was dressed in a Punisher t-shirt, jeans and sunglasses. No shoes. "Quite the list of accomplishments."

"LEEROY JENKINS!" said Leeroy Jenkins.

"Thank you, My Lords," I said, approaching their lofty table. "But what is this mission you speak of, if even your own combined influence is not enough to tackle it?"

"Kapow," said a voice both thunderous and yet welcoming.

I looked up, and there above the four other members, appeared an image of the face of Stan Lee.

Once again I bowed before this legend.

"Oh, come on now," said Stan Lee's face. "Stand up. There's no need for that."

"Forgive my unending respect for you, Sire," I said. "Tell me though, when you said 'Kapow' were you referring to the upcoming comic book convention in London, or were you just making a cool entrance noise?"

Stan's giant face nodded. "The convention."

"John," said Al Gore in a patronising tone, but it was okay, because you got the feeling he'd stand up for you in a fight or something, "we believe that dark forces are conspiring to use the event as some kind of… focusing point of evil."

"We're detecting a 8.9 on the Wertham Scale," said Thomas Jane in a distinctly hungover accent. "It's a convergence of everything anti-nerd: Sports, productivity, basic hygiene, parties, ambition, and more besides."

With dire intensity, Simon Pegg added, "Normally, we'd take care of something like this ourselves, but we can't."

"Why not?" I asked.

"LEEROY JENKINS!"

"As Brother Leeroy says, whoever is behind this force somehow knows the exact frequency of our mana," said Stan Lee. "With this knowledge, they have erected a counter-frequency shield around London, preventing our intervention."

"That's why we came to you," said Simon Pegg.

Now knowing my purpose, I clenched my fists and narrowed my gaze. "What must I do?"

"Go to Kapow," said Al Gore. "Find the source of this… convergence. Find out who is causing it."

"If possible, remove the counter-frequency shield so that we may intervene," said Thomas Jane. "Failing that; you must destroy this evil at all costs."

Under normal circumstances, I'd torpedo my way to London, solve this crisis, down a glass of hot lava in celebration, and be home in time for Doctor Who. But given that even the High Council of Nerds was troubled, I had reason for pause.

"You truly think I can stop this force by myself?" I asked.

"While we do have faith in your abilities," said Stan, "we would not send you to such a fate alone." He nodded at Thomas Jane, who clapped his hands.

A door opened and in walked Kristen Bell and Olivia Munn. Both were wearing Princess Leia gold bikinis. I'll give you a minute.

"Of course," I said. "It makes sense that the world's hottest female nerds are part of your Order."

"Sister Kristen and Sister Olivia are two of our junior members. They do not yet possess a powerful level of mana, and should not be deterred by this shield," said Al Gore.

"For the duration of this quest, you are to given the acting rank of Nerd Master," said Olivia.

"We will assist you in any way necessary, Master," said Kristen.

I winked at the camera.

"Here," said Simon Pegg. "You may need this." He threw me a lightsabre.

I ignited the blue blade and gave it a few practice swings, noting that the others were similarly armed.

"You are trained in its use, I presume?" asked Pegg.

Deactivating the 'sabre, I finally resumed my signature confidence. "I'm trained in both original and prequel fighting styles, sir."

Pegg nodded in approval. "It is a lasting shame that the latter is so much cooler."

"Indeed," said I.

Al Gore threw me another device: A Star Trek tricorder. "This will allow you to pinpoint the source of the convergence."

"Bryan Singer has allowed us use of the X-Jet to take you to London," said Tom Jane. "Like most actors, the girls are accomplished pilots, so you should get there quickly."

"And, John…" Stan said, his mighty features turning grim. "Remember: The fate of all nerd-kind rests in your hands. Success is the only option."

I met his gaze, straightened my back, set my shoulders firmly and said, "Sir, the only thing I've ever failed at… was failure."

"Excelsior, Brother John," said Stan. "Excelsior…"

"May Mother Earth bless your journey," said Al Gore.

"Punish evil," said Tom Jane.

"And may the Force be with you," said Pegg.

"LEEROY JENKINS!"

To be continued…