"Hellfist Unleashed"
"RUN!" I shouted to Ann and Ronald.
The animated and headless corpse of Captain Hellfist continued shuffling towards us at a slow yet still terrifying pace.
"Where to!?" Ann yelled back.
The ghastly ex-captain was blocking our only exit. "Into the chamber!" I improvised.
"We'll be trapped!" said Ann, resisting my efforts to corral her.
"Better than dead!" I shouted. Hellfist's beheaded remains were embarrassingly close now.
But Ann and Ronald refused to back up, providing me with a human wall to block my safety. Ann brandished her cutlass and Ronald his fists.
"Better to fight this abomination!" said Ann. "Deploy your legendary skills, man!"
"My skills are useless here, woman! It hath no face to kick!" I said in dread horror.
Nonetheless, I braced my arms against my two foolish companions and kicked my legs up and into Hellfist's body's chest, propelling it backwards, and us into the vault.
Ancient magic closed the heavy door after us.
"Well that's just great, Coughlan," said Ann. "Now we're trapped in here while Hellfist's body, possessed by unimaginable evils, patrols our only escape!"
I slapped her across her woman's face.
"Calm d--"
She punched me right in the balls.
"Okay," I wheezed. "I'll admit it. That was a little extreme on my part." Because my balls are twice the average size, I feel twice the pain. BEARD FACT!
Ronald also regarded me with contempt. After experiencing Ann's righteous ball-punching skills, I was starting to wonder what she needed him for.
"Where are your superior detective abilities now?" said Ann, nursing her manly cheek. Based on everything I've learned from mainstream media, the fact that she didn't glow with a divine feminine beauty 24/7 coupled with her disrespect for my gender obviously indicated her homosexuality.
"Hand me the map," I said.
Now Ann appeared worried. "Why?"
"There might be a clue of some kind on it. For one thing, it might at least tell us where this supposed treasure of yours is."
Ann and Ronald exchanged cautious glances. Something was strongly amiss. Before they could act, I swiftly yoinked the map out of Ann's belt.
Ronald went for me, but Ann stopped him. "He may find something useful," she said to him.
"Jeez, you pirates," I said, running my eyes over the map. "Always so protective of your silly little maps…"
A thunderous boom suddenly echoed throughout the chamber.
"What in Poseidon's crack was that?" shouted Ann.
"The door," I said without looking up from the map. "Your former captain wants a word it seems."
Another loud boom sounded and this time the door shook inwards a bit.
"He has that strength?" said Ann in disbelief.
I was now too engrossed in the map to answer her.
"Ronald!" she commanded. Her First Mate knew to hold back the door with all his power.
But it was only a temporary measure. The next thud pushed him back, albeit a small amount. Ann was fixed upon the door, her cutlass still drawn.
I now stood and addressed my clients with an air of casual smugness that belied our impending predicament.
"I don't mean to go all cliché here… but somebody in this tomb… is a murderer."
Without a second of explanation, Ann whirled on her heels and brought her sword down on my head. With lightning fast reflexes, I blocked it with Hellfist's own dagger. (From Chapter II? Keep up.)
Ronald grunted, but Ann shouted back at him, "Keep on that door! Do not let that creature through!"
I kicked the she-maniac off, and we assumed a swashbuckling stance.
"No," I said, "you wouldn't want him coming for his revenge, would you?"
"You deduced it from the map," Ann said with a sneer.
Trying to catch me off guard, she flew at me and we exchanged a furious clash of metal before circling each other once again.
"Yes," I said. "And I shall now explain my findings aloud for no reason."
The ghastly knocking on the door continued despite Ronald's one-man barricade.
"Ancient Aztec's a tricky language, but I'm a tricky man…"
She feigned. I countered.
"The map explains that the greatest treasure of their people is contained within these walls. So precious, that they travelled hundreds of miles to hide it a hostile land…"
She parried. I thrust.
"It says that the treasure is so carefully hidden -- beyond the realms of human perception, in fact -- that a sacrifice must be made to claim it."
In anger, she made for my chest, but I somersaulted over her like Errol "The Motherfucker" Flynn.
"The map said that there must be blood spilled in anger within these walls," said Ann, now mad with rage. "I concealed that translation from Captain Hellfist, and Ronald and I conspired against him."
"Thinking you could claim the treasure for yourselves and lie to the rest of the crew with ghost stories!"
Another attack. Another deflection.
"We left Hellfist's body sealed in the chamber," said Ann. "And used the crew to open it again. But we found no treasure within! We were cheated!"
The thundering was growing louder, and the door nearly open.
"And so you ran, along with the terrified and ignorant crew, to me," I said. "Hoping I would deduce what you could not. And I have, Nasty Ann.
"In your greed and treachery, you made a pitiful error in translating the map! As I told someone else recently, not all treasures are fit for display!"
"What are you babbling about?" she shouted, her attention divided by Ronald's cries of alarm.
The door was breached, and Hellfist walked within.
The three of us now backing away from the headless captain, I continued my ranting.
"The only thing that the Aztecs valued more than gold; more than jewels; more than anything!"
"Speak, Coughlan!" shouted Ann. "What is this treasure I have sacrificed so much for!"
"Their souls, you stupid bitch! The souls of every man, woman and child sacrificed to their cruel gods! By the most powerful of magicks, their everlasting essences would be transmitted here, to a temple built at the cost of so much to hold riches worthless to the mortal world.
"This is the vault of the gods!"
Her fury now spurned by hindsight, Ann lunged her cutlass into Hellfist's walking corpse. It did nothing. He continued his advance.
"So what horror is this?" said Ann, referring to her old boss.
"You were right about something," I said. "When blood is spilled within these walls, the death shall reveal the treasure."
"What!?"
"That wasn't an instruction; it was a warning! Any sacrifice in here negates centuries of sacrifice contain within the vault.
"All those souls now reside within Captain Hellfist's body.
"He is possessed by an entire civilization!"
With unprecedented speed, the corpse of Hellfist reached forward and grabbed me by the throat, lifting me off the ground.
"And they are really pissed off…"
To be continued…
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