Green Lantern -- From Memory

Welcome to the first of what I hope is a series of... Posts? Articles? Mind-dumps?... where I recount an entire film from memory alone.

As a general disclaimer, I should say that this is all in good fun and does not reflect the quality of the actual movie. (Except this one time.)

Anyhoo, there will probably be spoilers -- I say "probably" because I have literally no idea how this is going to go -- so watch out.

GREEN LANTERN -- FROM MEMORY

Okay, the film starts with a voiceover from Geoffrey Rush explaining what the Green Lantern Corps is while green shit whizzes around on screen. Not a montage of the various aliens doing their duty in the Corps, which might have been interesting, just some graphics that look like the visualiser setting on iTunes. It is established that will is green and fear is yellow, but no attempt is made to explain what is meant by that.

Then the most amazing scene in the whole film happens on a planet called Ryut (which is significant in the comics, but not here -- nothing is significant here) when some alien space explorers crash land and go walkabout. The unique and interesting tone is somewhat demolished by Parallax, who is turned into a 1950s B-movie monster in this movie. Parallax is voiced -- because he fucking talks here -- by Clancy Brown, who has now played one of the best (The Kurgan) and one of the worst villains in cinema history.

Anyway, Parallax eats the aliens' souls (holy shit!), turns into a turd octopus, and starts flying through space.

Then we see Abin Sur, Greatest Green Lantern in the Universe (played by Jango Fett), who is tracking Parallax. He imprisoned Parallax on Ryut years ago and, in a rare piece of realism in a sci-fi movie, thought it was so statistically impossible that a random spaceship would crash land there, thus enabling 'Lax to get free, that he didn't even put up a warning sign.

Abin Sur, Greatest Green Lantern in the Universe, does absolutely jack shit to stop 'Lax from fatally wounding him, and basically just gives up and tells his Power Ring to start looking for a replacement. I wonder who it'll be? Smash cut to:

Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan lying in bed with some chick who, I dunno, might be hot? It's hard to tell; we only see her head. Reynolds, however, shows more skin than even his mother should see. And so the sexism wheel has come full rotation.

Hal drives to work -- late -- and endangers other drivers while wrapping a present. This passes for both "comedy" and "superhero material". To be fair, Hal Jordan is precisely that kind of a dick in the comics.

He somehow arrives on time anyway and runs into Blake Lively as Carol Ferris, who seems to be trying to underact Katie Holmes in Batman Begins. Carol's dad, Carl (some things from the comics don't work as well when spoken aloud), has an important flight test for the military, and Hal and Carol are the pilots. He's all like, "don't worry about it," and she's like "don't fuck this up," because that's what men and women are like, ha ha. Also, Tim Robbins.

They fuse parts of Top Gun and Iron Man to make a dogfight scene where we see that despite being an arrogant dickhead, when Hal flies a plane... he's the exact same. To flesh him out further, an awkward flashback about his dad is forced in there somewhere. The military is upset that Carl Ferris has failed to make an indestructible aircraft and passes on the deal, despite literally everything that happened up until Hal fucked shit up.

As a result, everyone on the planet is mad at Hal. Ryan Reynolds acts while everyone else tries not to look as though they're just counting in their heads until their next line. It's only been two scenes with them, and I am already sick of Hal and Carol as a couple. The whole world is against Hal! Ahhhh! Oh no!

Hal goes to his brother Jack's house for the 11th birthday party of Jack's son Jason. Hal's test flight is on the fucking news. To make that even dumber, Jack tells Hal that Carl/Carol(?) called to tell him about the incident, therefore rendering the inclusion of the news report pointless. Hal then has a conversation with his nephew Jason where it becomes apparent that, of the 409 people who contributed to this screenplay, not one of them has ever spoken to a child. Jason is frighteningly cognizant, articulate and selfless for 11.

I don't even remember what Hal and Jason talk about, but it doesn't matter because literally nothing in this film lasts long enough to become relevant. Speaking of which, Hal gets whisked away from the party before he can do something like establish his character's family dynamic.

He is taken to dying Abin Sur, who gives him the Power Ring while Hal makes a joke about Abin's blood being a different colour. Racist. Hal then calls Jimmy Olsen and they both drive off before the Evil Government (not the good government, that Hal works for) arrive.

Despite having just discovered the existence of extra-terrestrials, Jimmy is quite happy to go home, apparently, leaving Hal alone with The Most Powerful Weapon in the Universe. He tries to figure out how to charge the Ring, because there are complex, yet fluid, rules about it. He charges it, but then Carol comes round and they go out for a drink.

Even though every scene in this film is only about 30 seconds long, it feels like it's been on forever at this point, and yet we are only just introduced to Peter Sarsgaard as Hector Hammond, who is under the belief he is in a much better movie.

Oh shit, I forgot: At some point, we see Mark Strong as Sinestro -- also in a better movie -- on Oa talking to the Jedi Council. I mean, Guardians. He wants to assemble a squad of Green Lanterns to kill Parallax (remember him?)

Fuck. There are three separate plot threads in this film and it still feels two-dimensional. Anyhoo, Hector is recruited by Amanda Waller, who is a saintly grandmother in this film compared to in the comics, to study the body of Abin Sur in a top secret storage basement for random props. He does an autopsy on Abin and gets infected by yellow. Just yellow. The Evil Government lets him live. There's a reference to the D.E.O., which passes for clever, I guess.

At a bar, Hal makes some joke at which Blake Lively laughs like she's in a soap opera. They dance but then Carol says something wrong (I have no idea what) and Hal leaves.

Outside, he gets beat up by what appear to be strangers, until they reveal that they have now lost their jobs at Ferris Air due to Hal, somehow. After getting seven kinds of shit kicked out of him (in what is, sadly, the best fight scene in the film) Hal plans to throw some fucking nails at them (again, this is heroism), but instead punches them all with a giant green fist with his Ring, which is actually pretty cool. Then he gets unwillingly zapped away again. Hal Jordan getting grudgingly dragged from plot point to plot point? Now that's right out the comics.

In the time it takes Hal to fly through space, there are about 40 shots of Hector writhing in bed. Hal arrives on Oa and once again panders shamelessly to the females in the audience (of which there are, like, seven in the whole world). He's a Green Lantern now, or whatever, and meets Tomar-Re, whose physical and vocal performances are at least a year apart. Despite having a beak and rough skin, they pretend that Tomar looks like a fish.

Tomar shows Hal Oa, which would look impressive had Thor not been released two months prior. He recites almost the entire opening narration again, just in case anyone walked in late. Then Tomar and Hal land in the middle of a comic book double-page spread, and I try and name as many Lanterns as I can.

Sinestro shows up (what the hell has he been doing since he spoke with the Guardians?) and gives a big speech to the Corps that seems to establish him as pretty important even though nothing within the film backs this up.

The film finally starts honouring the source material during a training sequence. Not a montage. A five-minute-long scene. Michael Clarke Duncan is perfect as Kilowog. However, nothing is allowed to build any momentum. All of Hal's lessons seem to get interrupted. Are they on a schedule here or something?

Hal and Sinestro have what could have been a really could mentor-mentee scene, if not for the fact that Hal never says more than two words to Sinestro. In fact, with all the CGI it's entirely possible that Reynolds and Strong weren't ever in the same room together.

Anyway, Hal quits for no reason, but they let him keep the Ring.

Hector develops telekinesis and telepathy and throws one of his students across the classroom. All of his students instantly forget this happened, just like with Hal and those guys he fisted. It turns out Tim Robbins is playing Hector's dad and he is even more nonchalant about the discovery of alien life than any living human being has a right to be. Hector hates his dad because... Uh... Hmm.

All of the human cast (except Waller) attend a party for something or other. Hal obviously used to pick on Hector, who clearly fancies Carol. Hector just gets fed up with everyone and makes his dad's helicopter crash, because producer Geoff Johns is totally gaybones for Richard Donner's Superman movie. Hal takes about an hour and a half to decide to do the right thing, which is put on the Ring -- which he hasn't even taken off -- and save the day.

Rather than make a giant green hand to pick up the crashing helicopter, Hal decides to turn this film into a fucking cartoon by creating a contrived Rube Goldberg mechanism. The day is saved to thunderous apathy from the crowd and Hal flies off.

I think at this point Sinestro finally takes some Green Lanterns to fight Parallax, who looks dumber by the second, only to get them all vaporised. This is the only thing we actually see the all-powerful Corps do. Sinestro goes back to Oa to tell the Guardians his plan sucked, and they tell him the origin of Parallax, shitting all over the comics mythos, because why the hell not at this point? Sinestro concludes that he needs to skip over years of complex character development and forge a yellow ring in the fires of Mount Doom, because the power of fear -- an emotion Parallax has complete control over -- is the only way to defeat 'Lax.

Jimmy Olsen has another pointless scene, then Hal flies off to meet Carol. In the film's only self-aware moment, they ridicule the mask Hal wears. He keeps wearing it though. Romantic mush happens without advancing their relationship one iota.

Hector's brain gets really big and turns him into the Elephant Man. Somehow, the Evil Government knows this and takes Hector away. But it's okay though, 'cause his dad is there. Hector knocks out Waller and all six of the top secret facility's security guards, then prepares to kill his dad.

Hal Jordan suddenly appears, having completely reversed his decision about becoming a Green Lantern because... Uh... Anyway, he fights Hector's psychic powers using the Ring quite awesomely (somehow creating fire too -- not green fire; actual fire) but then Hector defeats him somehow and kills his dad. Hal just ups and leaves after that.

Hal now knows, via Hector, that Parallax is coming to Earth to smash up the place, but for some reason doesn't feel up to stopping him. Carol encourages him to do so, and Hal decides, "Yeah, whatever, I'll save the world." Jimmy Olsen is also in this scene, pointlessly.

On Oa, Sinestro has a yellow ring, but says it will still takes weeks before it's any good to them. Hal shows up and saves us from that tripe by asking the Guardians to help him fight Parallax, spouting some Christmas card bullshit in the absence of anything resembling an argument. The Guardians say he'll have to do it by himself, because an AWESOME SPACE BATTLE BETWEEN PARALLAX AND THE CORPS would be such a drag. Hal does a space U-turn and goes back to Earth.

His Ring, which functions like a beeper, takes him to the aircraft hanger where Hector (whose head has thankfully not been enlarged to ridiculous proportions, as in the comics) is holding Carol hostage, threatening to make her like him! Wait, when was it ever established that he could do that? Hal tricks Hector with yet another plot point that has no connection to anything outside of this one scene.

Just then, Parallaxative shows up to shit all over the Earth. Seeing him in the hanger with all those poop-tendrils is the first time he's actually been kinda scary. He eats Hector and then Carol does a larger-scale version of the old "bonk-the-villain-over-the-head-to-distract-him-while-the-male-hero-saves-the-day" trick and her and Hal escape.

Blake Lively once again calls upon her soap opera acting to "cry" before Hal goes to save the planet, despite the fact that the both of them risk their lives daily as fucking test pilots.

Looney Tunes happens until Hal decides to take the fight to space, which actually makes the Star Wars prequels look decent. For the first time in the movie, a plot element from earlier is utilised as Hal remembers that flying into the sun is a bad idea. But he does it anyway, because he's a maverick.

Then the only thing I would not change about this film happens: Hal bonks Parallax with a giant green fist, and 'Lax falls into the sun, which seems like something they shoulda did back when they first caught him.

Back on Oa, everybody loves Hal now, and Sinestro tells him that he's just like Abin Sur. This is literally the first time we have been told anything about Abin Sur.

There's a pointless scene on Earth to cap off a cacophany of pointless scenes, and then a mid-credits scene where the filmmakers turn to look at the audience with big grins, expecting the fanboys to be openly masturbating, only to find that those who bothered to wait are even more depressed by this than the film itself. Still openly masturbating though.