"How to Get a Head in Your Career"
I grabbed a skeleton in each hand and began swinging them wildly at the now gargantuan Ronald. But my makeshift people-weapons were no match for his increased strength and fury.
He charged at me like a Tokyo magnet train and we both went over the side of the golden ship atop the mighty fortress. Landing on a deck on the next tier down, I sprung into action.
I threw a bone from one of the skeletons like it was a boomerang towards the anchor from the topmost ship. It ricocheted off, causing the anchor to swiftly lower, landing perfectly on Ronald's head.
"Anchors away," I felt the need to quip.
Climbing back up the anchor chain to the gold ship, I once again confronted my true enemy -- Nasty Ann.
"It matters not what you do to Ronald, Coughlan," said Ann, still so calm, "you cannot touch me. Even if you do, I control an empire of pirates! Thousands of cutthroats and buccaneers at my command -- you would be safe nowhere!"
"It's, 'you would not be safe anywhere,' you demented bitch," I corrected. Then I shouted "GRAMMAR!" as I flew through the air at her.
But Ann deflected the projectile that I was as if she were swatting at a fly, sending me crashing into more damn skeletons.
"Alright," I said as I picked myself up with as much dignity as possible, "your powers may have indeed increased. But your sanity hasn't. I told you; the Aztec gods will annihilate this planet without ever laying eyes upon it. You have no chance of 'negotiating' with them. Our only option is to return that head immediately, and I can do just that with this object…"
"Guards! Take it from him!" Ann commanded her henchmen.
They stole the mystical device from my grip and handed it to Ann, who looked it over with disdain. The sun was also beginning to eclipse. I had very little time left.
"Ha! You will soon see how wrong you are, Coughlan!" said Ann. "You just want the power for yourself! Without this amulet, you are incapable of stopping me!"
"Actually," I said with a grin like a 50 megawatt bastard, "that's not the object I meant." I tapped the bracelet Vincent had given me.
Ann looked at the amulet in her hands. "Then… what is this?"
"Something from my last case." The fortress began to shake ever so slightly. "Forged by an ancient sorcerer to tame a giant sea beast. Even now the mighty creature is attracted to that amulet." The fortress rocked violently. "Sounds like he's arrived."
A massive tentacle suddenly swooped through the air and took out all the skeletons on deck. The creature would destroy the fortress to get to its amulet and I intended to let it -- after I had retrieved Hellfist's head and got my revenge of course.
I took advantage of the distraction and made for Ann again. She was more surprised this time and reacted too late, but in our scuffle, the head flew out of her grasp and over the edge of the ship.
"Damn!" I damned.
"You'll pay for this, you worthless fool!" said Ann with a song in her heart. A song of hatred.
She withdrew her sword which was made entirely out of lightning, forcing me to improvise. I used two skeleton forearms to block a potentially devastating blow from her crackling energy bolt. She had me backed against the rail along the deck. (I'm sure it has a proper name…)
I expertly flipped over, kicking her in the face, and tumbling backwards over the edge, after the head.
The fortress of ships felt like it was being torn apart, because, well, it was. The deep sea beast's tentacles swung and crushed all around us as I dropped onto the ship below. There was no sign of the head.
Ann landed on her feet behind me. "We finish this first, Coughlan!"
I straightened my tie. "To the death then. As it should be."
With the fortress raining down around us, and the moon nearly completely over the sun, Ann and I lunged for one another in a mad rage.
I punched her lighting-sword so hard that it exploded and made the ship around us burst into flames.
Momentarily stunned by this, Ann regained her composure and her will to kill. She then drew a scimitar made of diamond, but I also had a trick up my sleeve.
I put on my trusty buzzsaw gloves. Like boxing gloves, but with buzzsaws attached. Then we went at it again; amidst the fire and the destruction, impossibly-sharp diamond clashed on spinning metal blades of death.
"Give up, Coughlan!" Ann cried as we traded blows that would have devastated continents. "You cannot defeat me! Yield and I will end your life painlessly when I become a goddess!"
The heat from the flames, combined with the sounds of all Hell breaking loose and the strength of my opponent almost overpowered me.
"Lady, I shat a tiger's heart this morning. I'm not even bragging -- in fact, I'm really quite terrified. I mean, who do I call? -- I'm just saying; that's the kinda guy you're dealing with here." I buzz-punched her right in the mouth, sending blood flying.
It only made her angrier.
She swung the diamond blade around her head like she was pretending to be a helicopter, then brought it at me fast. I instinctively put my hands out to defend myself, and the blade collided with such intensity that my buzzsaw gloves shatter into a thousand tiny pieces.
With the creature nearly having destroyed the whole fortress, the ship pitched at an angle and I stumbled backwards, tripping over the corpse of Ronald and landing on top of him, against the anchor. Ann's scimitar pressed against my throat.
Ann stared at me with a look that could evaporate water. "I put all my effort and resources into destroying you and yet you still take delight in tormenting me! Well no more! I should have done this myself!"
I laughed, because why not? "You know your one mistake, Ann? You left me with nothing to lose."
Ann's expression remained emotionless. She drew back her blade. "Except your life."
I quickly reached up, grabbed the anchor chain, and pulled with all the strength I could muster. With the damage done to the fortress's structure, the golden ship above came sliding down the wreckage -- plunging its pointed beakhead (the front part of a ship) straight through the midsection of Anastasia Marinov.
I slowly got to my feet and looked down upon her impaled body with a manly squint. "You yank my chain, I yank yours."
But this was no time for awesome lines. I needed the soul-filled head of Captain Hellfist.
I looked down just in time to see the head disappearing into the mouth of the foul behemoth that had now reached my level of the almost fully consumed fortress of ships.
But my balls didn't turn to steel overnight for nothing. I dived like a motherfucker right into the belly of the beast.
I had to fight past a few of the skeletons still stuck in its teeth and then swim through its horrible inner fluids, but I found the head deep within its gooey stomach. As soon as I touched it, I was teleported away by the magic bracelet.
Materialising in the Vault of the Gods, still covered in indescribable funk, I held up the head just as the sun was nearly totally eclipsed. The head shone with a brightness from beyond the universe and I felt the gods themselves give me a thumbs up.
"Well done, my boy." I turned to see the ghost of Vincent Price once again by my side.
"So the Earth is safe again?" I asked.
"Indeed."
"Do I get anything?"
Vincent just laughed as he vanished.
"Never mind you," said another voice, "what about me?"
I looked down to see that Hellfist's head was talking to me!
"What the fireworks? You can t-t-t-t-talk!?"
"Of course I can talk," said Hellfist's head.
"But how?"
"Hey man, I may be 98% brain, but I don't have all the answers. Aztec magic? I dunno. Either way, I'm out one body. All my favourite things were on that body."
I suddenly felt very awkward as we walked out of the chamber towards the exit. "Um, this probably isn't the best time to mention it, but your crew are all dead."
"Well that sucks. What am I gonna do now? Very few people will hire a sea captain who's just a head, y'know."
"I'm looking for a new secretary…"
"Eh, that'll work. If you want me to type anything though, I'll need a hand."
Just as we started to laugh, the screen freeze-framed and the credits rolled.
Finito.
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