Pirate Eye 2: Chapter II

"If You Go Into the Arctic Today…"

Truly, there is fuck-all at the North Pole.

After months aboard the Crimson Wake, during which nobody's character developed one iota, I now stood amidst an infinity of snow. The horizon-to-horizon whiteness was marked only by the Wake itself -- an eerie blot on a blank canvass.

Captain "Nasty Ann" Marinov, her First Mate Ronald, and I marched across the frozen wasteland like brainless birds flying headfirst into a hurricane of remorseless cold. The rest of the crew stayed aboard the ship out of dread.

"Here," said Ann, pointing to the black hole in the ground. "This is the entrance to the Aztec temple. Be wary, Mr. Coughlan. Evil surely lies within."

I laughed bravely. "That's what they say about all holes, Captain. Never stopped me before." With that, I jumped down into the pit.

Due to Aztec magic, the long corridor before me was well lit by ever-burning torches on the walls. Nasty and Ronald soon joined me, and we began quietly easing our way towards their dead ex-captain.

As sure as pillows break a fall, you can always rely on a dame to break a silence.

"I assure you, Mr. Coughlan," said Ann into the gloom, "although we fled in mortal terror before, nothing shall stop us from avenging our fallen captain this time around. We shall claim our treasure in his name, even if Hell itself stands in our way."

"I admire your hyperbolic commitment," I told her, still whispering due to my stubborn desire to live. "And I will certainly do all in my power to solve this mystery -- these mysteries… but surely there are horrors that will break your desire for earthly treasures?"

Neither of us took our eyes off the winding corridor ahead, even though Ronald paced safely between us. "Nay," said Ann. "For if that were so, I would not have returned. No spirit, nor demon, nor beast shall keep me from my prize.

"Besides, from what I have heard, you would trump any such creature."

Despite a bladder on Yellow Alert, I grinned at the praise. I could even have found Ann attractive were it not for the fact that her jawline was more well-defined than mine. Plus, she used the word "trump" without a laugh.

"Tell me though," said Ann, determined to interrupt my inner monologue at every turn. "Why do you say 'mysteries'? Why the plural?"

"Well, there's your dead captain, of course," I explained. "But this tomb itself is a mystery. Why would the Aztecs build one so far from their home? Did the Aztecs build it? What's it for? No offence meant, but that's the greater mystery here."

Ann shrugged. "The ancient world was mysterious indeed. Who knows why they did such things."

"I suspect there's more here than meets the eye…" I said.

Because I had given such a great set-up, a fearsome growl suddenly echoed down the walls of the corridor and right into our hearts' darkest places.

"Stepping up to Red Alert," I gulped.

But Ann was not afraid. She drew her sword and called into the black, "Come at us, demon! Come face Hellfist's avenger!"

The monstrous noises drew closer and a shape emerged from the shadows. A shape large and wild and covered in white fur. It was a polar bear, and it was hungry.

It started to charge.

"Leave this to me!" I said. "I know bear fu."

I leapt into the air and flew towards the beast, meeting his head with my foot, and the shock of the impact gave every penguin in the South Pole their yearly orgasm.

Recovering from the mighty kick, the bear stood on its hind legs and we began circling each other, slowly rotating our fists like boxers.

The bear lunged with his left, but I weaved and uppercut his jaw. Shaking off the blow, the bear predictably made a jab with his right, and I caught his arm in an elbow lock, kneeing him in the stomach hard.

Twisting his arm, I crudely broke it, and the bear yelped in pain. He was already doubled over from the knee to the gut, so I brought my elbow down into his back and sent him to the floor with a Stone Cold Stunner. He was out.

"And the crowd goes wild!" I shouted to Ann and Ronald. They did not comply.

"It must have fallen in the hole," said Ann. She nodded forward. "The main chamber is just up here."

I smoothed down my suit and prepared to carry on. Then I noticed something sticking out of the bear's back.

"A dagger," I said, removing the offending item. "Somebody loosened this pickle jar before I opened it."

Ann gasped and looked to Ronald in shock. I guess Ronald was also shock. It's hard to tell; his face looks like claymation.

"That's… Captain Hellfist's dagger…" she whispered.

I cleaned off the blade and pocketed it. "Somebody other than us has been down here…"

We reached the door to the chamber with extra caution, knowing we might not be alone.

"Alright," I said to my two wary companions, "I'll go in, make sure everything's safe. You two, be on your guard. Nothing is what it seems."

I took a moment to summon all of the courage my massive balls allowed me, and then quickly stepped into the chamber, ready for anything.

Just as Ann had described, the room was large, as if for a vault -- or a tomb -- except that it was empty. More empty than she had told, for now even Captain Hellfist's beheaded corpse was absent, save a pool of blood on the floor.

I returned to the others and told them what lay within. "Whoever took Hellfist's dagger must also have removed his remains. Still though, I can have a look around and see if--"

I suddenly realised that neither Ann nor Ronald was paying attention to me. Instead, they looked over my shoulder at something behind me. I also became aware of a slow shuffling sound.

As if turning against the tide, I made a lengthy revolution to see what was there.

It was the headless body of Captain Hellfist -- its hands outstretched as it walked towards us!

To be continued!