The Avengers Movie -- What I Want

I'm not normally terribly obsessive when it comes to film adaptations of comic books. I didn't want to blow my brains out because Zack Snyder changed the ending of Watchmen (or Dr. Manhattan's final line, which, quite frankly I'd be more inclined to complain abut than anything, but that's neither here nor there), I'm not making demands of Christopher Nolan on the next Bat-film, and even though I'm a huge Flash-fan and the current plans for that movie sound a million miles away from the comics, I'm not worried.

Because, at the end of the day, the film is a different thing from the comic no matter what. All that matters to me is whether or not I've seen a good movie, regardless of how "faithful" it is to the source material.

But fuck that thinking for a minute. I'm talking about The Avengers here. And yes, I've never actually read an Avengers comic (there's, like, 70 different series with that title for one thing), but this is bigger than that. This is film. And I know what I want from a film like this.

Pirate Eye 2: Chapter V

"Fortress of the Pirate Queen"

"Well, Jim, will you at least permit me to finish this fine glass of oh-jay?" I asked as I raised the glass to him, as if in a toast.

The blind assassin grinned. "Nice try, Coughlan. I know you're stalling."

I sighed. "Then you have orders to kill me?"

"No," said Jim. "We have orders to overkill you." He shouted to the sea of bounty hunters surrounding me, weapons at the ready. "Take aim!"

Pirate Eye 2: Chapter IV

"The Price of Vengeance"

Thirteen months later…
The dry Marrakech heat was a stark contrast to the climate I had found myself in just over a year ago in the Aztec tomb beneath the Arctic.

Likewise, my current safety was at odds with the peril I faced during that godforsaken quest.

My new companion, Captain Rum, and I strolled though the bustling marketplace with purpose.

"Ye believe ye'll find yer backstabbers here, eh?" asked the short, gnarled man who had been kind enough to grant me use of his ship and crew during my search for vengeance.

What I Would Do With Wonder Woman

With the news that NBC will not in fact be going ahead with their proposed Wonder Woman TV show -- which they had fully cast and filmed the pilot of -- many comic book fans breathed a sigh of relief.

Now I've never actually read a Wonder Woman story, unless you count the Justice League, DC Event stories, or casual crossovers, and am not usually the obsessive, "They're doing it wrong!" kind of fan anyway, but I did smile at this development (or lack thereof).

Not because I was concerned about the costume, or the casting, or the lukewarm script reports I had read, but because now I get to submit my ideas for a Wonder Woman TV show. And since this is the Internet, where everybody is equally important, I have outlined my proposal below.

Attention, television-making people: You have my full permission to use any of this treatment in future and I will take no action.

Pirate Eye 2: Chapter III

"Hellfist Unleashed"

"RUN!" I shouted to Ann and Ronald.

The animated and headless corpse of Captain Hellfist continued shuffling towards us at a slow yet still terrifying pace.

"Where to!?" Ann yelled back.

The ghastly ex-captain was blocking our only exit. "Into the chamber!" I improvised.

"We'll be trapped!" said Ann, resisting my efforts to corral her.

"Better than dead!" I shouted. Hellfist's beheaded remains were embarrassingly close now.

The War on Terror is Over -- What's Next?

With Osama bin Laden dead, the very idea of terror has been erased from existence. But America, always one to set itself an impossible goal, will surely need another abstract concept to defeat soon.

Sure, they're always waging a War on Crime, or a War on Drugs, or a War on Video Game Violence, but the peace-loving government of the U.S.A. will need a bigger target to fell before their might. I mean, you don't go back to fours after you've banged a ten, right? That's exactly the same thinking that motivates the Most Powerful Nation on Earth.

Because the 21st century has no more respectable forum for genius than the Internet, I have written out a few proposals below.

Pirate Eye 2: Chapter II

"If You Go Into the Arctic Today…"

Truly, there is fuck-all at the North Pole.

After months aboard the Crimson Wake, during which nobody's character developed one iota, I now stood amidst an infinity of snow. The horizon-to-horizon whiteness was marked only by the Wake itself -- an eerie blot on a blank canvass.

Captain "Nasty Ann" Marinov, her First Mate Ronald, and I marched across the frozen wasteland like brainless birds flying headfirst into a hurricane of remorseless cold. The rest of the crew stayed aboard the ship out of dread.