Pirate Eye 3: Chapter V

"Battle for the World"

"I am become Pirate God!" bellowed Anicetus from the top of his gigantic robo-suit, so large it could use the Kraken as a fancy hat. He started stomping on the various ships anchored near Shadow Island.

Blackbeard turned to me as the others feared their impending crushination. "Coughlan, there is a way for you, and only you, to end this. Hurry!"

He put his sword between his teeth, for no reason I could fathom, and swung on a rope towards the island. I followed, of course.

"How can we possibly stop such a mechanical man!?" I asked, in uncharacteristic desperation.

Pirate Eye 3: Chapter IV

"Pirates vs. Ninjas"

Like a great big pair of balls on the face of a sleeping partygoer, Shields' ninja army descended humiliatingly upon the fleet of pirate vessels, seizing them easily since their captains, the greatest pirates in history, were held hostage along with me on Shields' blimp.

We were all restrained by shackles made from anti-pirate metals and surrounded by ninjas as Shields himself paced before us in the airship's control room. For some reason, Shields was now wearing an over-the-top naval uniform, complete with medals, giant epaulets and cape.

"You'll never get away with this, Shields," I said.

My Top Five Captain Picard Speeches

As we all learned in history class, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise is one of the greatest human beings who will ever live. In the future. Aside from his voluminous scientific knowledge, his resolute leadership skills, his tactful diplomacy, and a damned commanding presence, Picard is also known in every quadrant of the galaxy as a magnificent orator.

His Shakespearean voice and sage wisdom combine to form some of the most hard-hitting, poignant speeches of the 24th century. Or, indeed, any century. I have described five of my favourite below.

Pirate Eye 3: Chapter III

"Into the Shadows"

Captain Dragonblood's men sword-prodded me along the plank towards the watery grave below, my hands secured behind me still.

"This is what ye get for turning your back on pirates, Coughlan!" said Dragonblood, and his crew laughed along with him. "Say hello to--"

"Yes, yes, say hello to Davy Jones," I said. "I get that all the time."

"Actually, I was going to tell you to say hello to my mother," said Dragonblood. "She's most definitely in Hell. Tell her Stuart says hi."

Pirate Eye 3: Chapter II

"Tyger, Tyger, Holy $#@%!"

The sabretooth tiger's breath stank of fresh horror, gusting down my throat as I kept a firm grip on its razor-sharp fangs and repeatedly kicked it in the balls to no avail.

As if wrestling a prehistoric murder-beast on the carpet wasn't enough, 30 ninjas crashed in the already quite damaged windows and grabbed Shields.

"No!" shrieked the Commodore. "They've come for me! Coughlan, save me!"

I flipped over, pinning the tiger to the floor. "Alright, you bastards, I'm not even gonna kick ass, I'm gonna kick all the way to the goddam heart!"

Pirate Eye 3: Chapter I

PIRATE EYE 3: THE COMMODORE KILLER

"Operation: Excalibur"

Shackled in irons, fastened into three straightjackets and blindfolded with a black bag, I was dragged by two strong men either side of me through a large, cold room with hard floors.

I had no idea where I was nor who my captors were, for they had ambushed me at my weakest point: Just after brex. Using high-powered air rifles, they had shot me in the head with no fewer than sixteen steel bolts, knocking me into deep unconsciousness like a weekend in Blackpool.

After some hours of travel, I was planked down in a comfy wooden chair and the bag removed. I now saw that I was in an extravagant, oak and gold furnished office. Before me was a large desk and behind it was a large prick. He wore an elaborate Royal Navy uniform adorned with medals, and sported the type of moustache that just screams… "bastard."

"Alright," I croaked, my mouth still tasting of brex, "I hope you cunts like the wallpaper in here, 'cause you're about to become part of it."

My Top Ten College Humor Videos

College Humor is very probably my favourite humorous website on the entire netsphere. I've seen a lot of their videos and articles, and they always make me laugh hard. Many of you will have no doubt heard me recount or recommend one of their many funny sketches, but you don't have to take my word for it any more! For I, in the truly bored manner traditionally found amongst viewers of online comedy, have compiled a list of my top ten favourite videos! Witness!