Pirate Eye 3: Chapter III

"Into the Shadows"

Captain Dragonblood's men sword-prodded me along the plank towards the watery grave below, my hands secured behind me still.

"This is what ye get for turning your back on pirates, Coughlan!" said Dragonblood, and his crew laughed along with him. "Say hello to--"

"Yes, yes, say hello to Davy Jones," I said. "I get that all the time."

"Actually, I was going to tell you to say hello to my mother," said Dragonblood. "She's most definitely in Hell. Tell her Stuart says hi."

Pirate Eye 3: Chapter II

"Tyger, Tyger, Holy $#@%!"

The sabretooth tiger's breath stank of fresh horror, gusting down my throat as I kept a firm grip on its razor-sharp fangs and repeatedly kicked it in the balls to no avail.

As if wrestling a prehistoric murder-beast on the carpet wasn't enough, 30 ninjas crashed in the already quite damaged windows and grabbed Shields.

"No!" shrieked the Commodore. "They've come for me! Coughlan, save me!"

I flipped over, pinning the tiger to the floor. "Alright, you bastards, I'm not even gonna kick ass, I'm gonna kick all the way to the goddam heart!"

Pirate Eye 3: Chapter I

PIRATE EYE 3: THE COMMODORE KILLER

"Operation: Excalibur"

Shackled in irons, fastened into three straightjackets and blindfolded with a black bag, I was dragged by two strong men either side of me through a large, cold room with hard floors.

I had no idea where I was nor who my captors were, for they had ambushed me at my weakest point: Just after brex. Using high-powered air rifles, they had shot me in the head with no fewer than sixteen steel bolts, knocking me into deep unconsciousness like a weekend in Blackpool.

After some hours of travel, I was planked down in a comfy wooden chair and the bag removed. I now saw that I was in an extravagant, oak and gold furnished office. Before me was a large desk and behind it was a large prick. He wore an elaborate Royal Navy uniform adorned with medals, and sported the type of moustache that just screams… "bastard."

"Alright," I croaked, my mouth still tasting of brex, "I hope you cunts like the wallpaper in here, 'cause you're about to become part of it."

My Top Ten College Humor Videos

College Humor is very probably my favourite humorous website on the entire netsphere. I've seen a lot of their videos and articles, and they always make me laugh hard. Many of you will have no doubt heard me recount or recommend one of their many funny sketches, but you don't have to take my word for it any more! For I, in the truly bored manner traditionally found amongst viewers of online comedy, have compiled a list of my top ten favourite videos! Witness!

Green Lantern -- From Memory

Welcome to the first of what I hope is a series of... Posts? Articles? Mind-dumps?... where I recount an entire film from memory alone.

As a general disclaimer, I should say that this is all in good fun and does not reflect the quality of the actual movie. (Except this one time.)

Anyhoo, there will probably be spoilers -- I say "probably" because I have literally no idea how this is going to go -- so watch out.

GREEN LANTERN -- FROM MEMORY

Pirate Eye 2: Chapter VI

"How to Get a Head in Your Career"

I grabbed a skeleton in each hand and began swinging them wildly at the now gargantuan Ronald. But my makeshift people-weapons were no match for his increased strength and fury.

He charged at me like a Tokyo magnet train and we both went over the side of the golden ship atop the mighty fortress. Landing on a deck on the next tier down, I sprung into action.

I threw a bone from one of the skeletons like it was a boomerang towards the anchor from the topmost ship. It ricocheted off, causing the anchor to swiftly lower, landing perfectly on Ronald's head.

"Anchors away," I felt the need to quip.

The Avengers Movie -- What I Want

I'm not normally terribly obsessive when it comes to film adaptations of comic books. I didn't want to blow my brains out because Zack Snyder changed the ending of Watchmen (or Dr. Manhattan's final line, which, quite frankly I'd be more inclined to complain abut than anything, but that's neither here nor there), I'm not making demands of Christopher Nolan on the next Bat-film, and even though I'm a huge Flash-fan and the current plans for that movie sound a million miles away from the comics, I'm not worried.

Because, at the end of the day, the film is a different thing from the comic no matter what. All that matters to me is whether or not I've seen a good movie, regardless of how "faithful" it is to the source material.

But fuck that thinking for a minute. I'm talking about The Avengers here. And yes, I've never actually read an Avengers comic (there's, like, 70 different series with that title for one thing), but this is bigger than that. This is film. And I know what I want from a film like this.